The Shadow Self Welcomes You To:

He arises from that leather chair,

out that familiar window, he so often stares.

His mind takes him back to a wonderful time.

when the birds would sing and the sun would shine.

He cries out and screams, his pain oh so real,

 it's almost too much.. how does he deal?

There is a ghost that won't go away,

it's something, someone I want to stay.

A lingering presence of what has been lost,

Memories of love, worth all that it cost..

The Ghost, she weeps, she always loved,

her Man, her Husband, that Angel sent from above.

To the skys they cry, please let us find,

each other's arms, let our love shine.

His eyes are tired, heavy, and black,

he pleads, and cries, he just wants her back.

And she too, desires his  arms,

cradled to him, on her falls no harm.

.He wonders when that Ghost will fade..

and in its place, his love to stay.

His eyes are heavy, reddend with tears..

How long will it take? Days, months or years?

Each day he covers, and wears his diguise...

Barely enough, to cover those cries.

He knows she is there alone in the dark,

like a lost child, alone in the park.

She regrets the choices she has made,

if only, if only, she would have stayed.

She tried to rid herself of his love,

but again it returned, like Noah's dove.

No one will understand the hell they've been through,

but through it all, thier love's been renewed.

The Ghost still lingers , it won't go away,

for ever to remain, until that special day...

<3 X9.

 (This is a complete run through of all my thoughts)

In the face of a challenge people can do two things, face it, confront it, taking it on full force. If they succeed great, but even if they fail, at least they tried right? As long as you give your all and everything, at least you tried.  Or you can run...and try to leave it behind. Running away never solves anything, but infact makes it much much worse.  The hurt, the destruction you leave behind.. The people destroyed and broken.

Running- live in a new place, meet new people, new things, start over fresh... People are creatures of habit.    Why can't we run towards our dreams??

People can't run from theirselves though no matter how hard they try. We're still the same person here, still the same person there. The same thing in the mirror can be seen from up close or afar.

People run because they can be anyone they want to be, like a chamelon wrapped in multi-colored skin. Blend in.

People run because it gives them the illusion that they have control over the problem. Leave the situation problem goes away, right? But what if the problem really wasn't what they thought? Then it will follow and haunt them.

We run because we no longer feel safe. 

We run  because it's been imbredded in us, it's the american thing, new place, new life. That's how this country was founded.

It would have been so much easier had you just stayed here.. Everything I've said we would have had, it was just a matter of time.. a little longer in our crappy apartment. It was our home though...Small, quaint. But it was ours.. Now it's a prison, my soul trapped in the walls, in the floor...I can't sleep because I haunt my very dreams. so I fear it. 

It'd been easier if you never got involved with him again.  It was for the kids, it was for the kids, I told myself over and over, and to anyone who asked. She'll be back, just there for her kids, she misses them. Makes sense. But... She back yet? No, she left me for...  My dad's side of the family doesn't know.. so that's one plus.. they know a half truth.  But.. my mom knows.. and really.. that's all I had left, that's all I knew... and that's why. I had been able to keep it to myself, but when I found out for certain.. the night I ended up in the hospital for wanting to committ suicide, I hit a bottom where, I just couldnt keep it in anylonger. 

But I'm smeared as well...I could never face your parents again.  and like wise.  I could deal with everyone else..infact, I'd feed off that and it'd only make me more resolved. 

Would we be hunted down like dogs? He wouldn't let you leave before...  Of course I suppose turning that around would be best, give him the reason to leave, that would "solve" that.  Would they come for us? Not that I care, I can hold my own ground.  I owned a gun before not like I couldnt do it again. -smirk-

Marriage is powerful. I took and take it seriously. The vows...our vows.. I know why I married you. I accepted you for you. I remember you saying after we got married we haveto make this work, there's no such thing as divorce. We have to show everyone. 

I wanted nothing more then for you to trust me again. 

The one thing that does remain certain and the same is how you always felt safe. This isn't a literal safe. But something, I think only you and I know.  We fought and bickered, we'd stop speaking. But always at the end of the day, we would be back together, clinging to one another through the night. That's what it means I think to be married...if you can do that, you can getthrough anything,

I know you can picture me. That man, just the way I found him, skinny little thing. I'll haveto plump him up, and you did.  I'm sitting here at that desk, inthat corner, in that same chair, in the dark. 

You've run so much no offense, so what's to say you won';t again in a few months?  I just have to believe? I did...when you married me..but..

There's so much you would throw back at me.. you hated a lot of what I did.. how I had the money saved and away.. how things were.. nothing to do here.. you were bored, hated it here.

What do you like about me? What do you love about me? What do you dislike? What do you hate? it make be best to write it out and make it more "visible" 

Just because we made our vows and promises..it cant be just because of that, it has to be because you want it; it's because you love me.. truly..and real.  What did you really feel when you married me? 

We run from love, because we feel we don't deserve it, we sabotage it. 

I like your personality, I smiled when everyone said you made a good fit into the family.. You were accepted and welcomed.  I love how you made me feel so special and important, like what  I did was really good for us and you made me feel like I was worth something and someone appreciated me for me, for what I was doing. Treasure me and the world was yours. I loved your kids..yes I was a little bit new at it, but I dove in head first, not awkwardness, but wanting to be a good role model for them. I took her to school in the mornings, woke her up, made sure she got dressed, combed her hair, buttoned up her jacket and took OUR daughter to school. She never wanted to leave my side at school or day care, always wanted me to go with.  She was our daughter;  People at her school would tell me what a lovely little girl I had. I would smile and feel proud.. It didn't matter if she wasn;t genetically mine, but it was perceived that she was mine.

I remember her birthday last year.. and I know you do too. Wasn't it awesome? Both our families, the bbq, the water park, all those presents for her? Sure, we didn't have much money, but it didn't matter. I remember what we got her. And yes, we didn't havethe money, but there was always money for our girls. Even if it ment not paying something important, they came first.

He didn't even bother showing up for her birthday, nor rather forgot, and would rather go out and drink and what ever the fuck else.  What a loser. Plain and simple. No money huh? hrmm.. yeah right.

Sure we could compare the two of us, but I wouldn't want to hear it.

The most important thing is who is there for you at the end of the day....who would rather curl with you and be close to you..not doing anything, but being close to you. Sure we were poor, couldn't do a whole lot.. but we had each other....we were rich with our love..and seemed so unseperable.  .. I want that again.

I dislike your runningaway from problems.. plain and simple. I don't like having things thrown up in my face from the past. Yes they are prevalent, but don't beat me with them over and over.

I want you..I want you to be with your kids. I think about you and her in portland. You told me it was really hard, but I know you felt empowered and "well" because you were there taking care of her......

All my love.

My Dying Bride - Sear Me III

My Dying Bride

A beautiful song by the masters of doom.

Come to me
Comfort me
Take my hand

In your arms
In your eyes
I will be
Forever yours
Bring me down
To your bed
To your dreams

Take my life
Take everything
Through those meadows
Of heaven
Where we ran forevermore
I wish, oh, how I wish again
With you. Oh, to be with you

So lay me down
Close to you
Hold me now my lover
I kiss your tears
My sweet one
And kiss again, my love

None really. One burns the spirit, the other the flesh. 

   Now that I've shown you my little blurb of thought and ramblings I'd like to just keep it between the two of us; considering no one knows this is me and no one knows that you're you.

You never cease to amaze me.  In one breath, it's how you miss all those things that drove you crazy. How you miss me snuggled close to you at night, and in the next, let's see if I can bring him down just a notch.  Mixed messages create confusion. 

I remember you saying a while back how normally I wouldn't be one of those people you'd even consider a friend, I'm not like the people you associate with. Under normal circumstances we would have never spoke or met or anything.

I don't know why you don't admit as much as you should.  You and I are so much more alike then different, maybe not exact in our personalities persay, but held the same dreams,the same desires, the same wishes and wants, same needs.  Both us have been betrayed by life, left to mend our wounds, dry our tears and pick up the pieces of broken dreams, empty promises or what ever.

It's simpler then that.  All the virtues you possess now bring you eternal pain. You live each day with contempt for a life you can't obtain.   Maybe all your heros have failed you. I think the only thing you really know, the only truth has been hostily. I think you've been mistreated so much YOU EXPECT no different.

Everything I did you hated and you despised me.  You hate yourself, you hate this world you hate the fact that you hate every moment.

Sigh...

You know what? You're probably wondering why the hell I';m being so nice to you. It's simple. I've ressurected every dream, every dream I had for you, for me and for us from being buried alive.  I decided I was not going to succumb to the war that lived in my soul and heart.  

You and I.. look.. look at EVERYthing we've been through and still haven';t killed each other..still we seek one another out.. think about it...it's more then just care.

Once there was a man who had a white shirt.
Once there was a girl who arrived at his work.
Once there was a park they found waterfall pictures amongst the muck.
Once there was a couple, happy, who couldn't believe their luck.

Once they went out , and a candled dinner date.
Once every early morning she surrendered to her fate.
Once he said "I love you" and she had loved him too.
Once they had a future, happy when one and one made two.

Now they are both lonely, now he lives alone.
Now he has a cold and empty (solemn) hollow home.
Now she has a fountain, tears where once there was a heart.
Now she has decided that they really have to part.

Now that he has nothing, all thanks to his deceit.
Now that she can smile  again,  but her heart weighs down her feet.
Now he thinks about her, all the memories forever to stay.
Now he tries so hard to forget the happy laughing days...

Is she thinking of him still? Does she cry still, now and then?
Is he ever going to win back the woman he loves again?
Is she glad it's over? Can she get on with hes life?
Is she really so very certain she would have made a useless wife?

Given all the laughter, fun and sunny times they had.
Given all the heartache, lies and times he made her mad.
Given all the tears now, the loneliness and pain.
Given all the risks, would she do it all again?

Can he really say that she won't come back one day?
Can she really like her life now better in this way?
Can she forget his face, the mess, the laughter and the love?
Can she find someone else to love her more than he could love?

If they really loved them, the said they'd let them go.
If she understood his feelings then she would know that it's not so.
If she were less stubborn, if he could care much less.
If they had never spoken there wouldn't be this sorry mess.

But time has taken prisoners, their lives are now entwined.
But even if they never meet again, the past is not left behind.
But can she start all over? Just forget him and move on?
But even if she can, will she be glad with what she's won?

Is that really what she wants, to never see his smiling face again?
Will it make her happy, will she live on without pain?
Will she be thinking of him, never  too proud to cry?
Will it wrench his heart in two if he sees her kiss another guy?

And can she forgive his faults, and accept him as he is?
They want each other back and say there's nothing to forgive.
He's told her that she's crazy, to never want him back.
She's told him that she loves him, but it'a risk, she can't live with that

The want each her to live with patience, to give each time to heal.
The past is not yet over and it's left a scar so real.
We don't choose who we can love, and love doesn't really die.
Can You can find it in your heart again? I love you, so please try.

01 Coil

Opeth

Hello and Greetings. I joined this group because I know that the road to recovery is long (not to sound redundant but it is) Mine is a tale woven for many many years..unfortunately about half of my life. A story of suicide, rape, abandonment, isolation, confusion, lies, lost love, depression, misery, pain, grief and much more.  So please if these things are sensitive to you I implore you not to continue to read.  To protect her and I and our families I will never post pictures of us.  The above song is for her...I miss you so much and love you so much..  I still wear my wedding ring...

I'll never forget you....

~Me kitty~ ( pseudo to protect identity..only she would know and understand this.) 

The life of an adolescent is rough enough.. mood swings, rushing hormones, and all those kind of things.  But what happens when you see your dad, the one figure who had been that backbone of your family.. that strength, that tower, the one you looked up and had influence on all those years, now fall from all that glory? To see him rape your mother.  To see him become almost animalistic and then suddenly, like as if time had stopped (In these kind of traumatic situations you lose sense of time flow.), your father in the blink of an eye hanging motionless, still, from the end of a belt.  It was then I shut down completely and disconnected from emotion and everything that was related to it.  The ability to cry lost, the face blank...as if in a trance, no sense of emotion, no smile or frown, but completely neutral.  It was the start of PTSD, (which was finally successfully diagnosed 11 years later.) The lose of emotion, the flash backs, the nightmares, being on guard all the time, mistrusting everyone, feeling "different" then everyone, the anger... the violence.. and finally the destruction of any relationship you possessed.  As  I became older and older that sense of abandonment..wondering how anyone could leave behind a mother to raise a 13 year old and a 2 year old.   Last year, I met the woman I knew who was to be the one forever.. the love of my life.  The PTSD never went away but layed not necessarily dormant, but ready to strike out and it did.  If anyone's not aware it is almost impossible to have a relationship (healthy one) where the two are not emotionally attached or respondent, but what happens when one is? When one can't feel anything..can't be happy..can't cry.. can't comfort.. can't feel the remorse. How about being able to say I understand how you feel, and your expression and body says nothing or the exact oppisite? That was my hell.. Part of it too was not being able to understand why she would get so upset when I would do something not appropriate. I would say.. I don't see why it's a big deal.. or it's nothing.  Of course it was a big deal and something, but again...no emotional connection..it didn't click. 

           I'm sure you can imagine.... My fiancee tells me in June..she's pregnant and looks to me for my reaction...  We had suspected she was when she began to not feel well.  I mean.. at all..it wasn't morning sickness it was all day.. all night sickness.. She couldn't eat.. couldn't stand.. couldn't work.. tired all the time. But...she looked at me for my reaction..actually we both were sitting there waiting.. waiting for the test to be done.. sitting there.. I of course looked blank.. a million thoughts in my head, but nothing on my face, a million things to say and nothing and nothing comes out. She looks at me..and I could see the tears in her eyes building and building and building and me again nothing.  We had the "perfect life' basically, we had her youngest daughter living with us, beautiful 5 year old.  We had a beautiful luxury apartment, brand new, stainless steel and it wasn't sparse.. Brand new table we struggled to put together when we first moved in..We even took pictures of ourselves in front of our door number, and proudly posted..look at what's ours.. this is our home.. our beautiful starting point.  But the first words out of my mouth "we'll take care of it." I'm sure you know what that means.. The A word..and when I said it.. I knew I had crushed her and destroyed her.. perfect love.. perfect life..lost forever. Now you can say what kind of man and soon to be husband would say such a thing?! One who was not mentally well and deeply afraid of abandoning his family just like his father did. To watch and see your child in the ultrasound and knowing soon.. it would be gone...forever. It horrified her...mortified.. the tears..and where was I? Sitting in the waiting room.. not even back with her.. doing crossword puzzles... This is probably the point where most of your jaws have hit the floor or even the tears build in your own eyes and still others are probably thinking they could reach out and kill me.

          There's still more..as if those weren't enough daggers in the back.  I had a terrible addiction to pornography that I tried and tried to hide..but soon we all get caught. It had started after my dad died..  because it helped the pain and depression in ways I don't know.   Now imagine all these things going on at once.....

This is where I must pause..The tears have soaked my hands, arms, and face. My eyes hurt.

Every journey starts somewhere and mine's no different. Over time I hope to explain everything from it's Start to wherever and whenever it may end.  I welcome the curious and the intriguied.  Nothing will be held back and everything explained in time. This song represents everything I feel..and it reciprocates, never stopping, always present. 

So, sit back, breath, and reach for your tissues.